"...And on his grave stone I want it to read, 'Here lies Sir James Paul McCartney, a pretty cool guy until he wrote that fucking Christmas song."

It's time to stop living in denial. I fucking hate...

Christmas- I've got nothing against snow, presents, gingerbread, togetherness, or peace on Earth. Nor do I have anything against reindeer, Jesus (you know, on a personal level), Santa (or his much more awesome helper, Krampus), or gross commercialism. All I really hate is people cramming shit down my throat. I hate Christmas for the same reason that I hate The Beatles, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the book Wicked by Gregory Maguire. They're all perfectly fine things which have been utterly fucking ruined by people who won't shut the fuck up about them and become personally offended when I don't get as jazzed about shit as they do. Except Wicked. That book actually does suck.

But I'm sick of people calling me a Scrooge because I'm not totally fucking pumped for Christmas. I actually enjoy seeing my family, buying gifts for people if I think they'll really enjoy them, cookies, and tiny lights on strings. But I don't see why Christmas should get to appropriate all that fun for itself. That shit can be done year-round. Let's not limit ourselves one day a year to talk to our parents and enjoy soft, ambient lighting. But furthermore, let's not get all bent out of shape if someone doesn't particularly enjoy Christmas. God forbid you have a bad family life, or too little money to buy presents. If someone isn't smiling and jolly this December 25th, give them the greatest gift of all: leave them the fuck alone.

But on the other hand, I really fucking love...

Irritating Christmas Shit- Ten points to the musical geniuses behind I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas, Dominic the Racist Christmas Donkey, and those Fucking Barking Dogs. I want to shake all of your hands for both having a sense of humor and trying to ruin the holidays for everyone. As if It's A Wonderful Life hadn't done that already. Fuck you, George Bailey. Every time a bell rings I say a swear just in hopes that it counterbalances someone getting their wings.

"Plus, they're closed on Sundays."

Today I heard it contested that Chick-fil-A was a good fast-food (or "quick-service" if you read their website) restaurant because they are a Christian company. If I weren't far too passive-aggressive and lazy to say something I might no longer have a job. Because if there's one (or one million) thing I can't fucking stand, it's...

Not Understanding the Difference Between Correlation and Causality- I get up roughly at the same time the sun begins to rise, though not by choice. So it is, therefore, safe to assume that my getting out of bed causes the sun to rise, right? Of course it is, but this specific situation just happens to be an exception to a rule. Just because two events happen in combination does not mean that they are casually related. Wikipedia fucking says so.

Chick-fil-A happens to have been founded by a Christian man who was, from what I can tell, fairly open about his faith. They also make fucking delicious chicken sandwiches. Believe it or not, these two things are not causally related. Just because someone is Christian it does not give them an innate ability to command chicken meat into a delicious sandwich. Call me a heretic, but I've actually heard that Jesus made some pretty awful fried chicken. That's why he stuck to bread and wine. Because above all else, Jesus understood sticking to your strengths. And marketing.

But more to the point, being a Christian does not cause you to run a quality business. Not being a greedy shithead does that. I mean, I don't know my history all that well, but I'm fairly certain some Christian institutions have been run less than scrupulously. By the same token, being an Atheist doesn't prevent you from cooking chicken properly. Or at least I don't think it does. Mine always burns, but that's just because the Holy Water I keep trying to boil it in bursts into flames when I touch it.

Not that I'm specifically setting out to pick on Christianity or Chick-fil-A. On Chick-fil-A's own website they specifically say that the decision to close their locations on Sunday is "as much practical as it is spiritual" because they just think their employees should have a guaranteed day off during the week. Good for them. And for the record, I don't think Christianity is any more or less stupid than pretty much any other organized religion. I'm just saying that I fucking hate when people give credit where credit isn't due. But on the other hand, I fucking love...

False Causality- When it's used for my own amusement, of course. For example, here's a graph of when I started watching Top Gear vs. how recklessly I drive:
Does watching Top Gear cause me to drive recklessly? Of course not, but it's fun to have someone else to blame. Similarly, a chart depicting how old I am vs. how frequently I masturbate:
From this graphic alone I could safely state that having an age in the double-digit numbers actually causes masturbation. And finally, for my last exhibit, I would like to show how many books I have read vs. how awkward I am in public places:Actually, I think I might be on to something with that one...

Horrified/Nothorrified

The United States Navy has achieved moderate success in designing a weapon capable of punching God in the face. The gun apparently fires a 20lb aluminum slug fast enough to break the speed of sound. Horrifying. But some researchers are saying that this technology could lead to new ways of launching air/space craft. Slightly less horrifying? All I know is that I love the idea of a weapon so huge and powerful that it can actually destroy itself after one shot. It seems so vindictive to attack someone with a gun that will, at the very least, require massive maintenance before its next use. I can only hope that the next step of research will be to program it to give an enormous middle finger, visible for up to the 100 miles the gun can fire, to its target.

"The science of life is a superb and dazzlingly lighted hall which may be reached only by passing through a long and ghastly kitchen"

December 10, 1907- 1,000s of Londonites storm a park in the district of Battersea in order to protest a statue erected in memorial of a dog that had been operated on multiple times while fully conscious. The two women who testified that the professor at the University of London performed multiple surgeries on a live, conscious dog were successfully sued for libel.

Child Abuse Awareness Month is apparently in April, just FYI

Apparently everyone is changing their Facebook pictures to their favorite childhood cartoon characters if they are "against child abuse." This, if anyone wasn't sure, is fucking stupid.

Title goes here! I'm absolutely stealing this article from a friend who spent 15 minutes bitching about this to me earlier today, but I think it's worth repeating. Changing your profile picture on Facebook is not a reasonable action to claim stops child abuse. As far as I know, no charity is attached to this, so it's not like each switched profile picture raises money. And as my unnamed acquaintance pointed out, child abuse isn't exactly a divisive issue with some people strongly against it, some people strongly for it, and some people on the fence about it. Discussing your opposition to child abuse isn't likely to convert anyone who was previously all about hitting children. Which brings up the main point he was trying to raise- is there anyone out there who is for child abuse? Are people who beat their children even for it? I would assume they just think their own kids deserve it, but I doubt they're just doing it out of principle because they love the idea of hitting kids.

All switching your profile picture during a campaign like this does is allow you to feel smug, like you're making a difference without actually having to do anything. The phrasing of saying you're doing it "because you're against child abuse" is also loaded as all hell, and actually implies that anyone who doesn't change their picture is a chronic child abuser. So now you're also indirectly guilty of libel. How does that feel?

One could, if they wished to play Devil's Advocate, argue that things like this actually do help because they raise awareness of the issue. Linguists could argue that any time you talk about something like "stopping child abuse" you are helping to shift us to a public culture in which child abuse becomes more demonized and less likely to happen. But since no one takes that argument seriously when I make it in regards to not saying "gay" in a pejorative context, I'm not going to allow it here.

If anyone actually feels passionately about stopping child abuse there are probably plenty of organizations out there that would love to have your time, money, or both to assist them with their work. I found this one with a simple Google search.

So if you really care about an issue, shut the fuck up on Facebook and do something about it. What we're accomplishing with profile pictures and status updates is about as effective as spray painting "DON'T HIT KIDS" on a brick wall. Actually, it's probably less effective. Actually, I wonder if I still have any spray paint...