But Oh Man, Those Chicken Fingers...

While I really do like Ikea (I'm a huge fan of Swedish efficiency), I have to give a stern clucking of my tongue to their new self-dubbed title, "the life-improvement store." Solve your problems through buying things!

Shit Sandwich

A little bit ago I posted something about how Jesus people go batshit for Chick-fil-A and I didn't think it was fair because they're just a fucking restaurant and who gives a shit? Well, I am not above eating my own words, so...

Fuck you, Chick-fil-A- You hard-to-capitalize, over-hyphenated, bigot-sandwich-slingin', no-Sunday-workin', lazy piece of garbage. You take your toasted buns and your awesomely salty pickles and shove them straight up your born-again ass. For those of you too lazy to read the article linked above: go to hell you illiterate bastards, it's like, under 100 words long. I mean, admittedly I stole this graphic from it, and the picture alone kind of sums everything up, but still. The point is, Chick-fil-A hates the gays. And I don't hate the gays. So therefore I hate Chick-fil-A. And Pennsylvania, but I've been playing that card for a while. Some day I'm going to start my own restaurant and only give free food to abortion clinics and unprotected ass-orgies.

Seriously though, I actually kind of like Chick-fil-A's food. I don't eat there all that often, but they're pretty tasty. It's just a shame that I won't be able to eat there without thinking about jack-booted, right-wing nutjobs curb-stomping people just trying to scissor under the full consent of the law. Oh well, commence tacking Chick-fil-A up with Wal-mart on my list of "places I never really shopped at a whole lot before but am now definitely too morally outraged to spend money at."

So in conclusion, if you have to eat junk food, you might as well smother it with something I do like...

Disgusting Fucking Sauce- I cannot emphasize enough how delicious this is and how desperately you need to try making it, regardless of how horrible the recipe sounds. All you do is get a pot and heat up:

1 can of chili sauce
1 and 1/4 cups grape jelly

until it all swirls together in a shit-colored mixture. Put that shit on meatballs, chicken, whatever the fuck you want. It's akin to some of the best and easiest to make sweet BBQ sauce I've ever had.

I would like to mention that other people deserve the credit for both showing me that Chick-fil-A article and how to make that sauce, but I don't want to sully their good names by listing them on this smutty hole, so just know that there are much smarter people than I behind this article.

"This is offensive."

I saw the new Gulliver's Travels today. This post will feature absolutely nothing about the movie itself, aside from the recommendation that if you're hard up for cleavage you could do a lot worse than Catherine Tate in a corset. What I will say, though, is that there's something I fucking hate, and it has a lot to do with...

Movie Previews- Not all previews mind you, and not even previews as a concept. I think they're a great idea, and half the time they wind up being better than the actual movie. What I hate is waiting patiently for a movie to start only to be made immediately aware, from the previews, that you are not this film's target audience. I began to suspect this today after the third preview in a row for a CGI kids movie. My fears were confirmed when the film opened up with a short cartoon about that dumb fucking OCD squirrel with dental problems from the Ice Age movies. Did you know they bothered to name that thing? I don't remember what it is, but it's something like Skitch or Scratch or Scatporn. Either way, talk about not letting a franchise just fucking die.

But the big picture here is that by the time we had gotten through the upcoming movie about the endangered birds who are prevented from fucking by dangerous bird-nappers (I shit you not) I began to suspect that maybe Gulliver's Travels didn't really want me there. The bird movie, by the way, is called Rio in case anyone was specifically looking to avoid it. Searching for "CGI bird movie" also reminded me of the existence of both Happy Feet and Surf's Up, so maybe we should re-think the whole "making movies about CGI birds" thing for a while, yeah? If anyone was curious, though, searching for "dumb fucking CGI bird movie" gets you a picture of Kiefer Sutherland flipping off a camera. So that's kind of fun.

And maybe I should have just made this post about Ice Age instead, but that short scat film I was talking about also credits Simon Pegg as one of the voices. Since the squirrel thing doesn't have any lines I'm not sure I believe that he was actually in it, but if he was, and if he's reading this blog right now, I just want him to know that he better be fucking careful because I love him to death but I'm only willing to forgive one film in every actor's career and I was already barely won over by Run Fatboy Run.

But I guess if I had to say one nice thing I'm going to bring it back to...

Catherine Tate's Cleavage- Fit for a king, apparently?