But Oh Man, Those Chicken Fingers...

While I really do like Ikea (I'm a huge fan of Swedish efficiency), I have to give a stern clucking of my tongue to their new self-dubbed title, "the life-improvement store." Solve your problems through buying things!

Shit Sandwich

A little bit ago I posted something about how Jesus people go batshit for Chick-fil-A and I didn't think it was fair because they're just a fucking restaurant and who gives a shit? Well, I am not above eating my own words, so...

Fuck you, Chick-fil-A- You hard-to-capitalize, over-hyphenated, bigot-sandwich-slingin', no-Sunday-workin', lazy piece of garbage. You take your toasted buns and your awesomely salty pickles and shove them straight up your born-again ass. For those of you too lazy to read the article linked above: go to hell you illiterate bastards, it's like, under 100 words long. I mean, admittedly I stole this graphic from it, and the picture alone kind of sums everything up, but still. The point is, Chick-fil-A hates the gays. And I don't hate the gays. So therefore I hate Chick-fil-A. And Pennsylvania, but I've been playing that card for a while. Some day I'm going to start my own restaurant and only give free food to abortion clinics and unprotected ass-orgies.

Seriously though, I actually kind of like Chick-fil-A's food. I don't eat there all that often, but they're pretty tasty. It's just a shame that I won't be able to eat there without thinking about jack-booted, right-wing nutjobs curb-stomping people just trying to scissor under the full consent of the law. Oh well, commence tacking Chick-fil-A up with Wal-mart on my list of "places I never really shopped at a whole lot before but am now definitely too morally outraged to spend money at."

So in conclusion, if you have to eat junk food, you might as well smother it with something I do like...

Disgusting Fucking Sauce- I cannot emphasize enough how delicious this is and how desperately you need to try making it, regardless of how horrible the recipe sounds. All you do is get a pot and heat up:

1 can of chili sauce
1 and 1/4 cups grape jelly

until it all swirls together in a shit-colored mixture. Put that shit on meatballs, chicken, whatever the fuck you want. It's akin to some of the best and easiest to make sweet BBQ sauce I've ever had.

I would like to mention that other people deserve the credit for both showing me that Chick-fil-A article and how to make that sauce, but I don't want to sully their good names by listing them on this smutty hole, so just know that there are much smarter people than I behind this article.

"This is offensive."

I saw the new Gulliver's Travels today. This post will feature absolutely nothing about the movie itself, aside from the recommendation that if you're hard up for cleavage you could do a lot worse than Catherine Tate in a corset. What I will say, though, is that there's something I fucking hate, and it has a lot to do with...

Movie Previews- Not all previews mind you, and not even previews as a concept. I think they're a great idea, and half the time they wind up being better than the actual movie. What I hate is waiting patiently for a movie to start only to be made immediately aware, from the previews, that you are not this film's target audience. I began to suspect this today after the third preview in a row for a CGI kids movie. My fears were confirmed when the film opened up with a short cartoon about that dumb fucking OCD squirrel with dental problems from the Ice Age movies. Did you know they bothered to name that thing? I don't remember what it is, but it's something like Skitch or Scratch or Scatporn. Either way, talk about not letting a franchise just fucking die.

But the big picture here is that by the time we had gotten through the upcoming movie about the endangered birds who are prevented from fucking by dangerous bird-nappers (I shit you not) I began to suspect that maybe Gulliver's Travels didn't really want me there. The bird movie, by the way, is called Rio in case anyone was specifically looking to avoid it. Searching for "CGI bird movie" also reminded me of the existence of both Happy Feet and Surf's Up, so maybe we should re-think the whole "making movies about CGI birds" thing for a while, yeah? If anyone was curious, though, searching for "dumb fucking CGI bird movie" gets you a picture of Kiefer Sutherland flipping off a camera. So that's kind of fun.

And maybe I should have just made this post about Ice Age instead, but that short scat film I was talking about also credits Simon Pegg as one of the voices. Since the squirrel thing doesn't have any lines I'm not sure I believe that he was actually in it, but if he was, and if he's reading this blog right now, I just want him to know that he better be fucking careful because I love him to death but I'm only willing to forgive one film in every actor's career and I was already barely won over by Run Fatboy Run.

But I guess if I had to say one nice thing I'm going to bring it back to...

Catherine Tate's Cleavage- Fit for a king, apparently?

"...And on his grave stone I want it to read, 'Here lies Sir James Paul McCartney, a pretty cool guy until he wrote that fucking Christmas song."

It's time to stop living in denial. I fucking hate...

Christmas- I've got nothing against snow, presents, gingerbread, togetherness, or peace on Earth. Nor do I have anything against reindeer, Jesus (you know, on a personal level), Santa (or his much more awesome helper, Krampus), or gross commercialism. All I really hate is people cramming shit down my throat. I hate Christmas for the same reason that I hate The Beatles, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the book Wicked by Gregory Maguire. They're all perfectly fine things which have been utterly fucking ruined by people who won't shut the fuck up about them and become personally offended when I don't get as jazzed about shit as they do. Except Wicked. That book actually does suck.

But I'm sick of people calling me a Scrooge because I'm not totally fucking pumped for Christmas. I actually enjoy seeing my family, buying gifts for people if I think they'll really enjoy them, cookies, and tiny lights on strings. But I don't see why Christmas should get to appropriate all that fun for itself. That shit can be done year-round. Let's not limit ourselves one day a year to talk to our parents and enjoy soft, ambient lighting. But furthermore, let's not get all bent out of shape if someone doesn't particularly enjoy Christmas. God forbid you have a bad family life, or too little money to buy presents. If someone isn't smiling and jolly this December 25th, give them the greatest gift of all: leave them the fuck alone.

But on the other hand, I really fucking love...

Irritating Christmas Shit- Ten points to the musical geniuses behind I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas, Dominic the Racist Christmas Donkey, and those Fucking Barking Dogs. I want to shake all of your hands for both having a sense of humor and trying to ruin the holidays for everyone. As if It's A Wonderful Life hadn't done that already. Fuck you, George Bailey. Every time a bell rings I say a swear just in hopes that it counterbalances someone getting their wings.

"Plus, they're closed on Sundays."

Today I heard it contested that Chick-fil-A was a good fast-food (or "quick-service" if you read their website) restaurant because they are a Christian company. If I weren't far too passive-aggressive and lazy to say something I might no longer have a job. Because if there's one (or one million) thing I can't fucking stand, it's...

Not Understanding the Difference Between Correlation and Causality- I get up roughly at the same time the sun begins to rise, though not by choice. So it is, therefore, safe to assume that my getting out of bed causes the sun to rise, right? Of course it is, but this specific situation just happens to be an exception to a rule. Just because two events happen in combination does not mean that they are casually related. Wikipedia fucking says so.

Chick-fil-A happens to have been founded by a Christian man who was, from what I can tell, fairly open about his faith. They also make fucking delicious chicken sandwiches. Believe it or not, these two things are not causally related. Just because someone is Christian it does not give them an innate ability to command chicken meat into a delicious sandwich. Call me a heretic, but I've actually heard that Jesus made some pretty awful fried chicken. That's why he stuck to bread and wine. Because above all else, Jesus understood sticking to your strengths. And marketing.

But more to the point, being a Christian does not cause you to run a quality business. Not being a greedy shithead does that. I mean, I don't know my history all that well, but I'm fairly certain some Christian institutions have been run less than scrupulously. By the same token, being an Atheist doesn't prevent you from cooking chicken properly. Or at least I don't think it does. Mine always burns, but that's just because the Holy Water I keep trying to boil it in bursts into flames when I touch it.

Not that I'm specifically setting out to pick on Christianity or Chick-fil-A. On Chick-fil-A's own website they specifically say that the decision to close their locations on Sunday is "as much practical as it is spiritual" because they just think their employees should have a guaranteed day off during the week. Good for them. And for the record, I don't think Christianity is any more or less stupid than pretty much any other organized religion. I'm just saying that I fucking hate when people give credit where credit isn't due. But on the other hand, I fucking love...

False Causality- When it's used for my own amusement, of course. For example, here's a graph of when I started watching Top Gear vs. how recklessly I drive:
Does watching Top Gear cause me to drive recklessly? Of course not, but it's fun to have someone else to blame. Similarly, a chart depicting how old I am vs. how frequently I masturbate:
From this graphic alone I could safely state that having an age in the double-digit numbers actually causes masturbation. And finally, for my last exhibit, I would like to show how many books I have read vs. how awkward I am in public places:Actually, I think I might be on to something with that one...

Horrified/Nothorrified

The United States Navy has achieved moderate success in designing a weapon capable of punching God in the face. The gun apparently fires a 20lb aluminum slug fast enough to break the speed of sound. Horrifying. But some researchers are saying that this technology could lead to new ways of launching air/space craft. Slightly less horrifying? All I know is that I love the idea of a weapon so huge and powerful that it can actually destroy itself after one shot. It seems so vindictive to attack someone with a gun that will, at the very least, require massive maintenance before its next use. I can only hope that the next step of research will be to program it to give an enormous middle finger, visible for up to the 100 miles the gun can fire, to its target.

"The science of life is a superb and dazzlingly lighted hall which may be reached only by passing through a long and ghastly kitchen"

December 10, 1907- 1,000s of Londonites storm a park in the district of Battersea in order to protest a statue erected in memorial of a dog that had been operated on multiple times while fully conscious. The two women who testified that the professor at the University of London performed multiple surgeries on a live, conscious dog were successfully sued for libel.