In Soviet Pennsylvania, Road Drives on You!

I always thought basic things like road etiquette were so trivial and well-known that they didn't really have to fit into the scope of this blog. Actually, no I didn't. You all drive like fucking assholes, and I'm going to write about it. Again.


THE LEFT-HAND LANE IS FOR PASSING, YOU HORSE'S ASS- It is not for checking out the scenery. It is not for swerving into in order to try and get around someone making a right-hand turn. It is not for talking on your phone if you cannot press the gas at the same time. It is not for being too fucking old and dusty to operate a horseless carriage. It is not for doing the exact same speed as the car next to you. It is not even for doing only one or two miles faster than the car next to you. It is never, ever under any circumstances for doing anything lower than the posted speed limit. The only times it is ever acceptable to do anything lower than 900 mph in the left-hand lane is if you are either slowing down to make a turn or literally dying behind the wheel. If you want to take a leisurely drive there is a perfectly nice lane on the right side of the road, and if you promise to stay in it I promise not to tail-gate you and say vulgar things about various women and children who are important to you. And speaking of lanes of traffic...

THERE ARE LINES ON THE ROAD FOR A FUCKING REASON- You are supposed to drive between them, not over top of them. It doesn't matter if you're the shitheaded middle-aged white man in the Mini with the custom tags and racing stripes or the shitheaded middle-aged white man in the giant fucking Hummer, you're not supposed to straddle the line between two lanes of traffic just because you're indecisive about which one to be in. And if your car is too big to fit in one lane, cut some of it off. Even if you are a woman, your penis literally cannot, medically speaking, be small enough to justify having to drive a car that large and obnoxious. And furthermore...

THERE ARE TURN SIGNALS ON YOUR CAR FOR A FUCKING REASON- I know you already know which direction you're planning to careen off in, but that's not why turn signals were invented. They were created to let the rest of us know to get the fuck out of your way because you don't know how to fucking drive and are thinking about driving any direction except straight ahead. They are also simple and easy to use, requiring, at most, an extension of a finger and a flick of the wrist. There are absolutely no good reasons not to use them, except as acts of open aggression towards everyone else on the road. In which case I consider you fair game and will proceed to drive directly into you if your car is worth more than mine. The only good reason to not use a turn signal, I guess, is if you only have one arm, or no arms, in which case I don't know how you're driving but I'm no longer mad, I'm just impressed. But you could still try to use a knee or something. And finally...

BEING IN A STATE YOU DON'T LIVE IN IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO DRIVE LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT- I'm looking at you, Delaware.


In conclusion, I fucking hate everyone who owns a car, myself included. Driving licenses should only be given to people who can pass grueling, multi-year mental examinations. The exams should be so difficult that I know that I would never pass myself, but I'm not worried, because the satisfaction of knowing that the rest of you assholes are off the road will be enough to keep me warm on the long, cold nights we will surely have after the collapse of most of civilization as we know it.