"You Belong With Me-" Let's just, for one second, set aside the fact that T-Swift seems stuck on trying to convince us that she's some sort of ugly, high school misfit instead of a tall, blond stereotype. Instead, let's focus on the fact that this song is really fucking creepy. It's basically a three minute exploration of stalking that would make Sting uncomfortable. For those of you who are lucky enough to never have encountered the song and don't feel like listening to it, it revolves around Ms. Swift babbling on and on about how your girlfriend will never understand you like she does. In spite of the fact that you chose to go out with your girlfriend instead of her, you really belong with Taylor, and she's going to make sure the two of you wind up together by any means necessary.
She starts the song explaining that you, apparently, will not date her because she wears
t-shirts. From there she informs you that your girlfriend is a total bitch who will never understand you like she does and proceeds to lap into some sort of coma where her eyes roll back into her head and she masturbates to the thought of you being emotionally beaten and shattered to the point that, in a desperate search for meaning, you drive to her house in the middle of the night, kick her door down, and the two of you tear off your clothes and understand the living shit out of each other. Which is all very well and good, as far as sappy high school masturbatory aids go, except for the fact that Taylor Swift just wrote a song calling my girlfriend a bitch, and I'm fairly certain they've never even met. From here I would like to point out that if this song were performed by anyone more threatening than a tiny white girl they would almost certainly be arrested on the spot and preemptively charged with kidnapping, attempted rape, and improper use of a romantic hook in expression of creepy fetishes.I guess what I'm getting at here is that just in case there are any moms of teenage girls reading this blog (and god help you if there are) you should definitely not let your daughters skip school to get the new Taylor Swift CD because I heard that in the insert there are detailed diagrams of how to tie someone to a chair, along with weight-to-dose calculation tables for Rohypnol.
Which isn't to say that all songs about the expression of love through kidnap and murder are bad, because I fucking love...
"Saturday Night-" In this traditional, and far less creepy, love ballad, radio-friendly folk-heroes The Misfits explain that there are 52 ways to murder anyone. They don't give you any specifics, but the song strongly implies that they've tried them all out, and they all work pretty well because the girl always seems to wind up dead. You might not think this is all that
romantic, until you learn that they no longer even enjoy the screams of dying maidens because they really miss you, and all the little things you used to do, like smoke cigarettes. Really, it was pretty selfish of you to go and die when they murdered you, because they're just a bunch of lonely romantics at heart. Their Saturday-night murder sprees don't even sound fun any more because they're all just so bummed out that you're not around to shine a little light into their cold, dark souls. I mean don't get me wrong, these guys are gonna keep killing ladies because they understand a thing or two about commitment and taking pride in their work, but they're not going to enjoy it any more, and I really think that even Nifty-Swifty would agree that that's the most romantic thing ever.
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