Whistle While You Die A Little Inside

Work sucks. According to 95% of official scientists, if work were supposed to be fun it would be called "fun" and not "work." Thank god local radio superheros B101 (101.butts fm in the greater Philadelphia area!) are here to lighten the mood! B101 is, apparently, the only fucking radio station that can legally be played within 500 feet of an office, but it's okay because their station has been chemically designed to make you feel good. It says so right on their home page. And that's why I fucking hate them. Because very little bothers me more than...

Bossy fucking radio DJs constantly telling me what to do- Being as I sit directly next to the only radio speaker in the entire office while shitting my pants over data entry, I have plenty of time to carefully and painstakingly analyze everything that B101's faceless song-pushers say to me, personally, between music and commercial breaks. The one thing that has stuck with me more than any other theme they harp on is that they want me to "just feel good" with a fervent intensity usually only found in drug dealers and sex industry workers. I have yet to figure out how listening to "Sexual Healing" and Jimmy Buffet while surrounded by awkward 40-somethings is supposed to make me feel good, but fuck if B101 isn't gonna keep trying until it works.

I'm not even terribly upset that the station doesn't make me "feel good" on a regular basis. I never expected the radio to have such wonderful, prescription-strength consequences. I'm more cheesed off that B101 has the fucking nerve to tell me how to feel. What if I want to feel sad at work? I'm still getting my job done, and last time I checked this is still AMERICA, where I have the right to slit my wrists all over accounting documents so long as no one gets hurt. The fact that these uppity, white-bread sound-pimps feel the need to bombard me with total crap for 8 hours a day is horrid. When they get presumptuous enough to comment on my day and how I'm certainly depressed but desperately need to feel better makes me angry. Angry and a little uncomfortable. Stopping songs to tell me how they sympathize with me sitting at my desk and how they know that I'm totally looking forward to lunch seems weirdly personal. And for your information B101, if that is your real name, I usually pack myself leftover shit sandwiches for lunch and only look forward to it because it's an hour out of my day that I can spend sitting in my car not listening to your fucking radio station.

Which makes me all the more ashamed to admit that...

There are two songs on this godforsaken station that I kind of like- The first being "Faith" by George Michael and the second being "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League. I'm not going to try justifying why these songs are awesome. It's not that I can't justify it, it's just that I feel like it should be so self-explanatory that if you don't understand their god-tier status then it's not even worth my time getting into it. The reason I'm so thrilled that The "Bee" keeps playing them, however, is two-fold:

1) It gives me roughly 6 minutes of music each day that I can actually enjoy singing along to, and

2) I'm fairly certain that my knowing all the words to both makes my coworkers uncomfortably question my sexuality.

So to whoever the flaming queen that keep slipping pseudo-gay 80s pop in between the Taylor Swift, Daughtry, and Lady Anti-Valium, please keep up the good work. You are my only ray of hope in this brave new radio world of musical Soma that I seem to have inadvertently stepped into.