Completely ridiculous movies- Today's installment being District B-13. The French action film that everyone only knows as "that stupid parkour movie" just recently got a sequel made about it. Or rather, I just recently found out someone made a sequel to this movie, so that's as good to me as it just being made. It's hard to imagine what was left to cover in a sequel, as this movie seemingly has it all. A "low-life" character with a heart of gold? Check. A large, evil gang? Check. A tough-as-nails cop who only works alone but suddenly finds himself with a partner? Check. A nuclear warhead? Check. Running and jumping on stuff that should neither be run nor jumped upon? That's a big check. A fucking huge dude who must be defeated by using brains rather than brawn? Check. A "sexy" girl who must be rescued? Check. A government conspiracy? You'll just have to watch and find out! Oh who the hell are we kidding, check, of course. There's no point in hiding the ending, I just summed up the entire rest of the plot for you. This futuristic masterpiece is set in a place and time wildly far from now (Paris, 2010) where crime is so bad that blah blah blah the government tries to blow up all the poor people. Somewhere along the line someone makes a reference to the Holocaust (while choking someone else out over the side of a building) and we all go "ooooooh shit!" and narrowly avoid a massive nuclear blast which, for some reason, would only kill the poor people and not, you know, the entire city of Paris itself. Also, while that's going on, one guy's sister is kidnapped for six months, fed heroin like babies are fed formula, and then manages to be perky and alert a few days after her rescue rather than vomiting and sweating profusely from all the MASSIVE HEROIN WITHDRAWAL she should be going through. And yet, in the midst of all this, the hardest thing to believe in this entire movie is the fact that there should be such a ready supply of nicely kept, high-end sports cars available in a walled-off barrio where every building, inhabited or not, is literally missing at least one wall. I forget where I was even going with this post because my mind is numbed by the sheer absurdity of the entire scenario. And yet, at the same time, I own this film and fucking love watching it. And you should too. Watch it that is; I wouldn't really encourage anyone to buy this thing per say. Just make sure you have a glass of water handy so that you can do spit-takes every five seconds when you find yourself saying, "Surely this cannot get any dumber!" and the movie yells back at you, "YES IT FUCKING CAN!"But I still fucking hate...
Completely terrible movies- Today's installment being 500 Days of Summer. I actually can't say that this movie is completely terrible, I do think it was shot and edited and acted out very well, but someone brought it up this weekend and it made all the bile rise in my throat like I had forgotten a film could. For everything this movie does right, I still found myself constantly amazed by how much I hated both of the main characters. "Sexist!" I hear a couple people already shouting. The most common defense of this film is to call anyone who doesn't like it a chauvinist and claim that they're just uncomfortable with a strong, assertive female character, but that's really not it at all. My counter-point to this argument is that Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character is a whiny bitch and Zoey Deschanel's character is a manipulative twat and anyone who can't see this has behaved too much like one or both of them at some point in their lives to stop being butthurt and admit it. Beyond hating both main characters I don't have any logical reason why I despise this movie so much, but who says I have to be logical? Despite fully loving Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zoey Deschanel in other roles they've played over the years I still wish their characters (whose names I never bothered to learn out of spite) from this movie were real people so that I could tell both of them to shut up to their faces right before I lit them on fire with my mind.
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