Listening to people bitch about their marriages- Never mind the fact that it's disrespectful to your spouse to sit around whining about them when they're not there. Never mind how rude it is to tell someone, upon hearing that they're engaged, to "run while they still can" weeks before they make one of the biggest commitments of their life. Never mind the fact that all across the country there are same-sex couples fighting tirelessly to publicly proclaim their love in the same fashion that you're shitting all over with your ceaseless torrent of petty criticism. The real reason it irks me so much when people go off on stereotypical tirades about their husbands/wives is that it's pure, played-out comic horseshit. There is nothing funny, entertaining, or remotely of value for me to listen to you talk about how your spouse is messier/cleaner than you are, like you've hogged the stage at a shitty open-mic night. If you want some cheap laughs about how boys are from Planet of the Apes and girls are from Pretty Woman, get a spot on Comedy Central. If you want some legitimate advice on what to do when your partner drives you nuts, get a therapist. But whatever you fucking do, don't think for one second that I want to hear about it. Comments like, "Whenever I clean the garage Bob goes right back out there and messes it all up again! Men!" and, "It doesn't matter how much money I put in my savings account, my wife'll just redeposit it at the mall! Am I right?" do not endear you to me. Although they do make me want to give you a high-five. Directly in the face. With a brick.But I fucking love...
Mutual sass in relationships- For every sorry sod I have to listen to who prays for the sweet release of death to take either themselves or their "loved" ones out of the shackles of marriage but doesn't have the balls or brains to do something about it (divorce and murder ain't hard folks, they both just take good lawyers), I do get some relief from watching couples who clearly know how to make each others' lives a living hell, and love every second of it. It seems like all relationships involve a healthy amount of irritating the shit out of each other, but the couples I can respect are the ones who do it right in the other one's face and don't try to sneak around whining behind their back. There's got to be a reason that some of the longest and seemingly most happily married couples I witness on a daily basis are openly hostile to each other in entertaining ways, and I can't imagine it's all for my viewing benefit. So go ahead ladies, tell him that shirt makes him look like a horse's ass. Or gentlemen, feel free to let her know that you don't give a shit about going shopping. Just make sure you're talking to each other about it, and not to me. Never, ever, ever to me. Or, you know, just don't get fucking married in the first place.*Please note, Google Image searches of "marriage" turned up nothing but boring white people, so I decided instead to search for "animals doin' it" and put up results from that. I hope it helped.
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