"How flimsy Playstation controllers are- Are you fucking kidding me Sony? You know how hard and infuriating video games are, you make them. You damn well know I am going to slam my controller on the ground as hard as I can when Madden fucks me over and makes the Browns beat me 49-0. Not only that, but it’s fucking bogus when you 'Ask Madden' and that fat bastard tells you to 'bang it up the middle with the fullback' even though its 4th and 12 on my own 10. Thanks for making me look like an asshole, John. I remember back in the day when videogames could be beaten by the average person and not just fucking losers who do nothing but play them 24/7 in their Grammy’s basement who would go into anaphylactic shock if their cocks came within 6 nautical miles of bottom-shelf pussy. When I was a kid, video games were way easier. How easy was Japan’s side-scrolling insult to all Italian people, which later became known as Super Mario Bros? Seriously Japan, in 1980 were you still that mad that Italy bailed on the Axis? Did leaving you as the only ones to face 'prompt and utter destruction' mean you had to make a game where every Italian character is a plumber and where the bad guys are 'Goombas?' Yeah well, I guess you can stay as mad as you want to about that one. Maybe that massive blow to Japanese culture and infrastructure is why you can’t design a controller that can survive your average angry white guy who sucks at video games.But seriously what has happened to videogames? Back in the day the only thing you needed to do to win at videogame football was pop Techmo Bowl into your NES and then zigzag your way across the screen to gridiron glory. Now I have to be able to read a fucking Cover -2 defense or else Madden starts talking shit about how I need to get the ball out of the QB’s hand so you don’t get sacked. Fuck you, Madden, what do you know anyway? What’s that? Super Bowl Ring you say? Ok, well then maybe it’s my fault that I can’t convert 4th and 12s when John is calling the plays for me. I guess the only way to really be good at videogames anymore is to really be dedicated to playing all day and night and buying every expensive new consoles and the latest games. I wonder if that’s why poor people are so good at real sports…"
On the other hand, I fucking love...
How much easier non-sports games have gotten- Did we play the same games as kids? I have nothing but hateful memories from my childhood as I tried to express myself as an eco-conscious nature lover by guiding that stupid fucking hedgehog towards all those gold rings so that he could buy his hedgehog girlfriend a house and a car and earn a slim chance of mating with someone besides a fox suffering from birth deformities. Maybe other people found this shit easy. Maybe I just hadn’t developed fine motor functions yet, even by late elementary school. Nowadays though, videogames at least have save points so that you can quit playing them the 600th time a demonic dog-mannequin hybrid bites you in the ass right after you used your last health kit repairing the damage from an onslaught of shadow-infants just back from the Improvised Knife Festival. You can also save your game when you realize that Jesus fucking hell, you’ve been playing this game for six hours and have to be at work in another two. To me, this makes modern day gaming easier than classic videogames, and I fucking love it.I do agree with the necessity for sturdier hardware, though. Back in the old days I could hurl a Sega Genesis controller at my parents’ Radiate-Mo-Tron tube television and the only thing that broke was my mother’s temper. Try doing that with these tiny joystick-laden bundles of nonsense and your new plasma-screen bullshit and see how far it gets you. If you ask me, two objects that can’t handle you smashing them together as hard as you can have no business letting you play Mortal Kombat on them. Fucking Goro.
Disclaimer: M. Timecat’s opinions do not reflect in any way my own, nor do mine represent his. Timecat has never given me any reason to believe that he spends his days imagining the married lives of hedgehogs. Similarly, I don’t even know what “banging up the middle with the fullback” is, but I snicker every time I read it.
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